Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
