I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
