At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
