If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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