ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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