im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
