if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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