Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Randomize
