I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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