we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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