When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
As shirtless as possible
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
