her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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