I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
