After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
