a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
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