You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
