Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Randomize
