i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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