just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
So. Much. Porn.
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