well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
