I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
