I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
