so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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