This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
