so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
