Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
