He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
