Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
