note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
So apparently I’m into choking now
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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