Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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