What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
