i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
