the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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