Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
