you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
