laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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