for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Randomize
