My sheets look like a crime scene.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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