He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
