Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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