is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Farmville is her only friend.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
