Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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