I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
