im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
