You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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