i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
