She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
