first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
