I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
