We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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