Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
